Words into Tears (Poem)

Love: the lump in my throat

Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash

I don’t know if this is a phenomenon characteristic of autistic people, or a result of C-PTSD from years of verbal and psychological abuse and/or neglect and ambient verbal violence during a child’s most fragile and formative years, or if it’s just me… But I have often had this experience, where inside my heart, my soul is crying to embrace someone in love and pick them up off of the ground after they’ve fallen, gently tend to their wounds, heal them and then send them back out into the world renewed and restored with the knowing of their own worthiness, but… my compassion gets hung up inside myself, like a lump in my throat, and I begin to cry inside. And if I even open my mouth, I will start crying outside, so I stay silent and shy, trying to hold back my tears.

My love is trapped inside me, held hostage by my own tears. So instead of living out the compassion in my heart, I write a poem…

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Years ago, I wrote these words for Jesper. He only made a brief appearance in my too-long life. He had a problem with addiction and, apparently, a wife who put him down a lot. He was so sad.

One day he came into work looking a mess and not smelling so great. He saw me, walked over towards me and leaned on me with a sad smile on his lips. Physical touch and affection is so foreign to me, it just felt awkward. Words are so impotent, but even my words got stuck in my throat just to hold back my tears… If only I had hugged him with a more warm and loving embrace…

Words into Tears

You drape yourself
like a weeping willow
around my neck,
downtrodden,
worn,
wilting for love.  

With the heaviness of your heart 
in my chest, 
words come to my mind
like square wheels 
over cobblestone.

Soulful embraces,
swing in limbo
wrapping themselves inside-out 
within me
in eager, timid efforts 
to hold you in a loving calm.

Words from my soul
pleading in me 
for the gift of expression,
to plant in your broken heart 
the virtue of you,
melt into tears before they even reach my tongue.

I wish… I felt free enough and safe enough to let flow into the external world the soul expressions of love and compassion that arise in my heart. This is what my psycho-spiritual evolution is about: becoming the perfect expression of my soul on Earth. All human souls were conceived in Love.